The Measure of Self — Value Ability Impact Validation

I’m a systems engineer at the very basic level. But, in reality — I’m so much more. My life revolves around computers, electronics, and science. I engineer unique solutions to very complicated and multifaceted challenges. I write software. I make games. I also have 3 kids that represent my most prized and guarded legacy. I also have a loving wife that has been able to help me learn more about myself than ever before.

My trade has evolved from standard help-desk related work to industrial control systems and the infrastructure behind making OT — Operational Technology, or ICS — Industrial Control Systems. Including being among the first to coin the term IIoT — Industrial Internet of Things.

I’ve been incredibly lucky to have some great people that noticed my ability to make things work, my ingenuity, drive to stop at nothing to conquer technical challenges. People that were able to put me in positions that made me highly effective. People that understood me.

My unfortunate luck is that every single one of those people either wind up getting promoted, resigning, or retiring. Leaving me to the wolves that fill in their vacuum.

5 Years Ago

I was officially diagnosed with severe ADHD, or Adult on-set ADHD. Bordering on ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Looking back on my life, my social development and challenges — It’s obvious that I’ve lived with this for my entire life. But, my family didn’t believe in that stuff. I’m not sure if it even ever crossed their minds honestly. I’ve always been regarded for incredible levels of intelligence. Which is the only side of me that most ever got to see.

ME…

Growing up — I’ve always been adept with anything technical. I do mean nearly everything. Every field I’ve had the opportunity to work in, I’ve mastered technically.

My first job in a professional capacity was working in a hospital ICU as a nursing assistant. By the end of my time there, I was reporting directly to doctors, I was part of the ERT or Early Response Team… etc.

I suffered a setback in 2013 when a tumor was discovered in my left arm. It was discovered after an on the job injury — on my first day at work. I was operating robotic welding devices that created the pipelines used by ocean oil rigs.

That tumor essentially ended my ability to play guitar. Which was one of my most coveted hobbies and passion. Music is by far the most influential ingredient that makes up who I am. The guitar embodied my emotions to an exactness that I can not begin to describe.

While writing this — I was listening to this, over and over.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc5WqcFmtq4

I was incredibly lucky, blessed, or whatever you want to call it to have discovered that tumor. To me it was on the level of divine intervention. My Aunt was the comptroller for that company, and got me the job. I wasn’t there 6 hours before my wrist was snatched, literally bringing me to my knees in pain. I tried to shrug it off and work through the day with it. The people that worked around me were so accommodating and knew I was in immense pain. It wasn’t until the supervisor wanted to see what else I was capable of doing, that I had to tell them that I couldn’t use my left hand. I was so embarrassed, and disappointed with myself because I knew it looked bad on my Aunt that day. It was a Friday, and they took the uniforms and everything before I left. They wanted me to see their doctor — but that would have had to wait until the following Monday. The Urgent Care clinic in my town was open. That’s when we discovered the tumor. That night. There is no way to describe that feeling… It is completely unique to those that have experienced it them-selves. It is whole life changing — instantly.

It took several surgeries and modifications to my body before it was all over. They took bone from from my legs to reconstruct my wrist. The recovery was quite long, but there was at least a recovery. My doctor was literally a one-of-a-kind man. A man of Chinese decent, first obtaining his medical training and degree in China, then traveled the world studying and obtaining other specialized accommodations on his way to my home town. Truly the only person whose passion encompassed the entirety of my situation. The only person in our country so decorated in Orthopedic Oncology.

My next job after that was working as a contractor for a large specialized chemical company. Simple IT help-desk — temporary. This is where my career was made.

I worked hard — I learned every aspect of their infrastructure, globally. I was so blessed that the people there were so willing to take me under their wing and teach me so much. Those relationships are some of my most cherished. When the company finally hired me, I was part of their global infrastructure management team. A small team that operated on a follow-the-sun basis, so we were very diverse. I had direct access to ISP level routers for troubleshooting — which from what I’ve learned is an extremely special circumstance.

The two men that were responsible for interviewing me to become a direct employee, both electrical engineers. One was the engineer over the site operations, the other was over all electrical distribution. The site housed over 20 plants. These two men became my mentors. I truly loved them both.

Supervisory Control and Data Acquisition / Distributed Control System

Well, after we’d poured our hearts into implementing the bleeding edge of SCADA/DCS technology. Working directly with vendors to develop the software that’s now being used in plants around the world. The official documentation some of which was written by me. One retired, and the other was moved into a new position abroad.

Their replacements had no idea what to do with me. They couldn’t even describe my position, or the systems I was responsible for implementing. But — it didn’t matter. The company’s focus had switched from the “build” stage of what I was part of. Their “run” stage was purely financial focused. They made life very challenging for me. The stress was literally taking a tole on my health.

I gave them 3 months notice before I left (They believed I was bluffing). I wrote a literal book with instructions on how to manage the systems I’d implemented. Which was a hyper-converged infrastructure built to be stable, redundant, and self-healing. It covered the entire IT/OT spectrum. Hardware, networking, software, licensing, vendors, project management… etc.

When I build something, I take great care when considering what it’s going to be used for. In a worst case scenario, the system I implemented was capable of bringing that entire chemical park to its knees — all 20+ plants. The lives of those that work there, and live in the surrounding areas — where in my hands. So I made sure that system was resilient to everything I could think of.

The thing is — I doubt that anyone among my fellow colleagues truly understood the gravity of what these systems were ultimately capable of doing. They work with DCS systems every day. But this system reached into the operational capacity of every aspect of what makes that site work. In contrast, normal DCS is local to the plant and its processes.

Not only that, we were in the process of implementing the system regionally. Which by now is likely complete.

When it finally hit them that I was really going to leave. They had recruiters literally following me around, interviewing me, trying to figure out the unknowns. They never did find a replacement for me. They split my position into several more positions. To this day, I still get contacted by my former colleagues, and plant managers on how to operate or access the systems I implemented. It was all in that book… I don’t charge them, or give them a hard time because I feel obligated to support something that I built. No matter what the circumstances are.

Managed Service Providers…

From there I went to work for a controls implementation company. Truly a unique experience. I had to pass an IQ test, and be interviewed by a psychologist before I could be considered for hire. Never before that even heard of such a thing lol.

At that company they held nothing back in regards to training. I added Dell Certified Enterprise Professional, and DeltaV to my official list of certifications. I also received extensive training in Industrial Health and Safety. I was made capable and qualified to walk into any industrial environment. For all of that, I am greatly appreciative.

But — all it took for me to lose that job. Was my former manager calling and telling them that he didn’t want me working for them. Oh yeah — I still on occasion worked at the site of my previous job. This was after I was out for 6 weeks with a medical emergency that emerged while I was traveling for my employer. Literally, one of the worst days I can remember. July FRIDAY 13th 2017. I had developed some kind of infection in my back while in Texas training. I stayed and finished the training, dealing with the pain. But that Friday, my adventure back home was a day which will live in infamy to my mind. My flight was delayed that morning, causing me to miss my connecting flight. I’m literally riving in pain running from one side of the Houston airport, to the exact opposite side. My connecting flight closed the cabin early — and would not open the door. I had to sit in that airport all day in pain until another flight was available. They at least supplied me with all the alcohol I could drink and upgraded my seat to first class so I could sit without screaming in pain. So yeah — Thanks United Airlines for the most hard liquor I’ve ever drank in a single day. All good whiskey too! But, it was all we could do to control the pain. It worked. I mean, you couldn’t tell I’d been drinking honestly — other than the smell according to my wife who picked me up at the airport that night.

The day was September 4th, 2017. There was a hurricane in the gulf. I was preparing my home and yard for the landfall. I had an appointment with the doctor that day as well — the day my treatment for ADHD would start. Before I left, I got a call from my manager letting me know that they where going to let me go. Never experienced that before. He was kind enough to tell me why though. I had been back to work for only a week. I went on to the doctor, especially now that I was about to lose my extremely expensive, crap, health insurance.

I had somehow managed to save up around 12k. Which carried my family through the challenges of unemployment. It also depleted that savings.

Finally, I took a job with a locally owned IT MSP. Where I was the most senior systems engineer on staff. I was brought onboard to facilitate the company moving into a more industrial client base. But started low on the pay scale.

I also received an offer letter from another industrial engineering firm. Offering me much more — The firm that my previous manager worked at no less. The one that caused me to lose the previous job. When they asked about him, I simply told the truth. My wife was furious that I did that, risking everything. But, to me — it was the only option. Well truth be known, they didn’t like that guy either haha. I got the offer the next day. But, after talking to the owner of the company that just hired me. He matched it. That was huge to me on so many levels. So, I declined the offer from the engineering firm.

It was a gratifying job. I also got to work with some of my previous colleagues at other industrial facilities. For you techies out there — one of those sites was one of the only two plants in the world that produces the high-quality silicon used in your processors. I was responsible, in part, for their entire infrastructure for a while. Implementing everything from office document management, backups, networking, to a new LIMS — laboratory information management system.

When the owner interviewed me for the job. One of his questions is “if the world was your oyster, what would it be?” — That’s a hard question to answer truthfully and genuinely. But, I already knew what the answer was. I answered, “To be running my own company”. Because I’d been developing my business for years prior to this.

During all of this, I was also studying heavily. The owner of the company paid the 5 thousand dollars for me to attend the training for VMware, which is required to sit for the VMware certification tests. But I was also studying business, and psychology. If I may plug two books everyone should read, and proved to be the most valued books in my house, behind the Bible of course. “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, and equally, “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos”. I’ve read both books multiple times and they have truly made me a better human being at nearly every level.

I developed a plan to integrate all that I had learned and all that my ability could offer into this job. I was going to forgo starting my own business and stick with this man and help him build his vision. It was aligned with mine and his principles were noble and moral. Our personalities closely matched. Our attention to detail, our ability, and our drive were nearly matched. I had, and still have a lot of respect for him. He’s literally the ONLY person I’ve ever been able to converse with and extrapolate theory with in a complete and satisfying manor.

But, there were some issues. With all of my background, training, and experience — I was confident in my ability and judgement in information security. We disagreed or, most likely, I was unable to truly convey my concerns in regards to how some information should be handled. That’s as far as I’ll go into that.

The stress of everything. My co-workers, their complaints about how the business was managed. The politics it created — that I wanted nothing to do with. I honestly agreed with the objectives of the business, and it was very hard for me to break down the vision of the owner in a way that alleviated their complaints and justified the owners actions.

I get a lot of messages from head hunters on LinkedIn. But one stood out, GitLab. After looking into their company, how it was ran, and the flat out unheard of benefits. I replied to their recruiter, starting the interviewing and grooming process. I made it 3 interviews in before I got my dear John letter. This crushed me. I spent every waking hour between interviews preparing for the big one. The technical interview. I built a lab, crashed into GitLabs CI/CD implementation with Kubernetes — learned Ruby on Rails along the way. But what got me was what I least expected. Red Hat Linux. I started my Linux “career” on CentOS, but quickly moved to Debian/Ubuntu nearly exclusively. Ubuntu is supported by GitLab. I couldn’t remember some of the most basic commands for RHEL… I made it to the end of the technical interview, solving the hypothetical problem. But — Gitlab has a random employee conduct the interview. She was in a hotel room, was visually annoyed from the beginning, and flat out stated that she didn’t feel good. I was on my best, even purchasing a new shirt for the video call. The recruiter was really floored that I didn’t make it. So much so that she pushed them to review it. But, it didn’t go anywhere.

But — I tendered my resignation to the local MSP on February 10th, 2020 effective immediately, after a year and three months. I was taking the leap to start my own business in IT/OT Services. The following week the country went on lock-down due to Covid-19. Effectively ending my business before it could take off. I had truly built something based in pure innovation. With regards to data management, privacy, reliability, and finally accountability.

It was a business developed to handle the security concerns of today’s critical infrastructure. Done in a way that provided complete oversight, transparency, and accountability for everything that touched the network — Automatically. Removing the challenges faced when all of that is managed and reviewed manually. The fatigue faced by those weighted with the responsibility of keeping their infrastructure secure and maintaining confidence in the integrity of the measures put in place to keep their operations going — is very real.

I was developing custom software that started with data and network security first. Real-time industrial data management made to produce actionable, reliable data and without posing security doubts, or introducing additional threat vectors.

Now…

Well, months earlier I had forgotten that I applied for a position at a local utility. On March 10th, I got an email inviting me to an interview. This job literally paid 30k less than what I was making at my previous employers. But, I entertained them regardless. Given my situation, I might be forced to go back into the workforce.

There were several people that sat in on the interview, but most importantly, the IT Director, and a plant manager. I completely aced the interview of course. They told me that in a year I was the only person that sat in that chair and answered every question, not only correctly, but described the answers with context and experience.

The starting pay they offered me was the highest legal limit that could be offered for the position. Which was still 25k less than what I made previously. So, when you see highly skilled people working for your local utility. Just know that their jobs in private industry pay on average 25–40% more. They are making a sacrifice to be there. Especially with how some boards are trying to run them like private companies, with profit (don’t be fooled) being considered before the benefits of their employees. Which is sickening considering these are non-profit organizations.

I took the job. Thanks to the efforts of their recruiter, and the IT Director. This led to the best working experience of my life. One that I could do for life. I was working for someone that truly knew the essence of what made a leader. Being a descendant, or directly, immigrating him-self from the Middle East. He was truly a unique person to know.

Maybe it was the subliminal connection based on the social challenges we’ve both faced. I don’t know. I never brought it up. But he stuck a cord with me that had never been touched. He was someone with authority, who was also a servant to those that worked for him. He protected us, he guarded us. Most of all he empowered us to do our jobs and serve with emphasis on results, not method. I had never in my life seen someone make it to his level, and also be able to trust, and treat his employees with real empathy.

This was all during the Covid-19 lock down. Which, 2 days after I started — they sent us home to work remotely. So, nearly the entirety of 2020 was filled with me on-boarding, remotely. It was very challenging. Then to add to the already mountain of confusion, my position was completely new. So, I was the first. The definition of what my responsibilities were changed almost weekly. This freaking sucked, but my boss certainly shielded me from most of it. Until he resigned.

I was being pulled in every direction. The mechanical side wanted me working in the field, the controls people wanted me working on their plants, the IT side wanted me working on OT matters. So, I was literally driving around to sites spread all over our county. Attending meetings translating, and developing, operational security policy based on NIST, DHS, and CISA guidelines. Being brought in on projects to renovate plants. Design new implementations. Research and vet new software and solutions. Work on network, and radio communications… The whole nine yards.

I was also doing my best to repair the relationship between IT and the field/plant operations personnel. I know both sides (Admin / Operations) so I was in a unique position to translate what was going on in terms that the staff could relate to.

But, as soon as my boss resigned. Everything changed. The powers that be decided that I was to be moved to the mechanical side, to work for a manager that did not like me at all. For some unknown, unacknowledged reason. Maybe it’s my personality — maybe I did something unknowingly that rubbed him wrong. This is a guy that has zero IT background, and no where near qualified to manage SCADA systems. But this manager is also close friends with the director of the organization. So, even after I filed a grievance on the matter, I was simply made to be wrong — that my concerns were purely opinion.

It just so happened that I filed this grievance hours before I was called to HQ to meet with who I was filling the grievance about. I was totally expecting to go over the grievance before it was filed officially. But — nope. They were sending me home for two weeks while they investigated “unauthorized software” found on my computer. A computer that I used maybe 4 or 5 times. They also were assuming that I was reporting to someone else, even after I told them that I now report directly to the Director. Even up to this, even HR assumed this… They of course realized their error when they had to fill out the paperwork. So, yeah the Director was there to witness the leave papers be served by the person they thought I reported to.

There are issues within this organization that are so bad and gregarious that I can’t publicly divulge without posing a security risk.

But that’s just it. I’ve been a part of the policy development for this organization’s ICS security from the beginning. It would not be what it is now without my involvement and direction.

I’ve worked with vendors, contractors, and other departments to align our objectives and philosophies to be more security concentric. Especially with regards to ICS assets being separated from admin/office assets physically, logically, and by responsibility.

But there are politics at play that I simply can’t comprehend, or process. I don’t know enough about the internal dynamics of the organization to truly understand where the motivation to target me comes from.

So while I’m on this two week vacation I’ve been struggling to find my own ground to base my next decisions on.

On one hand, I have a civic and moral duty to protect the safety and interests of my community. Which is really what got me into this to start with — from my perspective. Risking my integrity and reputation.

The other hand — maybe I should just concede to them and bow out… My grievance was tantamount to pissing in the wind. I haven’t had any communication back from them, nor do I have any advocates that are vocal to my defense. I’ve produced plenty of evidence to all of my claims, even pictures (without names) — of messages that confirmed my theories. None of that has been acknowledged. I’ve asked HR and the Employee Relations person for assistance, and I’ve described my social challenges putting me at a disadvantage to these people. It’s nothing but crickets. So — I don’t know what to do honestly.

Value Ability Impact Validation

These recent events have forced me to look more inward than I ever have. Looking for something that resolves these problems. Not only with my current employer, but the previous ones before this. It’s too much of a coincidence that I’m shredded every time I’m exposed directly to social and political adversity.

My wife says that my form of empathy doesn’t really fit within normal social environments. Which is true. I think I’m over empathetic, or at least that I try to be. But according to her, it’s not even perceivable like that.

Okay — which would help explain why I’ve been so effective with this job. My written communication is far better than my verbal, in-person, communication. I can barely talk when emotions, or arguments, are involved. I have a seriously hard time articulating and quantifying things verbally. I might as well be mute, it would likely serve me better. My ability to articulate inflection verbally is just non-existent. I can speak in terms of political correctness, but I’m very cut and dry beyond that. To the point, but — conveying that point in context or in terms that argue a point, or counter argument… I am horrible at it.

The things that I’ve been through, especially when we found that tumor. Have seriously changed my outlook on life. When it comes to politics, I’m sickened by it. I am not going to waste my time working with someone that is so shallow that they wouldn’t consider things they may not know before laying blame or treating with disregard.

People that think they’re above anyone. That they are somehow more valuable in terms of potential than any of their peers… These people are toxic and counter productive.

I believe in owning your abilities. But never casting shadow over others in any terms that could damage their trajectory. People are lives, they’re histories, legacies, memories. They have a right to find a flight path going as high as they want to go. No one for any reason should stifle that.

But the world I live in. I’m disregarded, my contributions are overlooked, or completely mistaken. My effort, contribution, and heart have been completely diminished by the value of the results to those that don’t really care. Security isn’t their priority. Safety isn’t their priority. Money is their priority. Because I’ve done everything in my power, including going directly to the top with information and warnings. But, they do not acknowledge me at all. Is it because they see me as a no body? That my accommodations are meaningless? Or are my peers deceiving me? Why all of this political crap? Why can’t we just work? We all have a common objective, a common goal, and a common enemy. Yet we are dead set on manifesting enemies out of those that are weakest to their tactics of power. Those that don’t even have the ability to compute the dynamics behind the motives being used to attack them.

You see now why I wanted to start my own business… Because every time I make it to that critical mass point where I have built something truly powerful, or have the ability to… It gets taken, in credit and accomplishment.

But honestly — would it be any different if I had my own business? At least my competition would have to acknowledge my successes, as well as my failures… but it would be based on Me and my business, my decisions… Not someone else with a hidden agenda.

It’s all bullshit… Everything is in the end. Because as long as people submit to the mess, allow them-selves to be equated to a place of value just above a machine — we will be subjugated. Anyone with vision, ideas, drive… forget it unless you also have the social adeptness to fight for it, articulate it, manipulate it.

So yeah — there is a ceiling for me and my life in this system. If I don’t lower my derived self value below the standards that I believe they should… I’m a threat, or a enemy, or something — I don’t know what it is. But this barrier is persistent.